To Honor, To Remember, To Cure

This week was proved emotional.  Getting the results of the Mri showing NO growth was great. Still hopeful that God will take it away completely but knowing full well that He could have already Killed it back when treatment first began.

Saying Goodbye to family moving was extremely hard on my heart.

Ones that have invested treasures beyond measure. . . Hopefuls for so many.

 

And yesterday, I had the honor of walking alongside many young warriors and their friends and family . . .

 

I got to walk with two of my favorite small ones

 

 

It was hard not walking with my other half beside me, but he told me I needed to go.  New things are often hard but I remembered it wasn't about me but about all the children who have been forever changed by cancer. . . My attitude quickly changed and I became eager to go.  

not forgetting. . .

 

Remembering and choosing to keep us the good fight.

 

because the devastating reality is that

I felt honored having the opportunity to pray more, while in the presence of the ones hurting, . . . missing. . .

 

 

releasing in memory

 

believing truth. . . The pain will one day be no more

 

 

He is the Tear Catcher.

 

standing firm

 

Standing in waiting. . .

wondering what might be revealed under the surface.  Patiently waiting to ask the expert what's going on? . . . Is it going to be over soon? 

 

Choosing to flee is not an option.

 

But standing firm in faith is. . . and that is what we'll continue to choose for tomorrow. 

 I am ready to see the tumor free brain and spine! 

 Reflecting on Matthew 9:28: "do you believe I am able to do this?  Yes, Lord they replied."

I KNOW God is able. . .

praying for that to be part of our story very soon.

So grateful this mess isn't here to stay. . .

 

So grateful God has revealed His beauty over and over again.

 

 

We will be up and at'em early early but should know something before the day is over.  Waiting is never easy but we are hopeful this will be the best wait ever!

The light is closer. . .

 

 

I just know it!

surrender

I have been thinking a lot lately about this time a year ago. . . the dreaded phone call that I never thought would come through my phone. . .  E's diagnosis. That was such a hard day.  But, I remember the peace that I felt that day. . . thinking about it gives me chills. 
People have said things to me over the past year that have really encouraged my heart.  People have asked me questioned about my faith and trust in God.  I wanted to share some background . . . Amazing things God did to prepare our way. As much as I love hearing, "You are amazing how you are handling everything. . . etc." I have to say I am NOT amazing . . . or awesome. . . or SO strong. . . but God IS and to God be the glory. . . Over the past years He has transformed my heart and has met my every need.  Several years BEFORE our princess got sick,  I was so desperate to know Jesus. . . I mean truly know him. . . not just know about him but really know Him.  I cried out to him often begging for him to show me more of who he was. . . I was so hungry for Him.  I felt him telling me that the only way I was going to truly know him was if I gave him my all. . . sought him with ALL of my heart.  This was scary because I knew it meant surrendering everything. . . serious changes to my life. . . time, money, material things, friends. . .   Though I knew deep down that God had perfect plans for my life and those plans were to prosper me not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11), it was HARD.   That Bible verse goes on saying. . . "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Costly?. . . MAJOR! Worth it? . . . . YES! I guess that was, in a way, the start of building my faith.  I had to get to know him and the only way I was going to do that was push aside all the worldliness and bury myself in the Word of God and prayer.  Well just when I think I'm doing better . . . God ever-so gently speaks to me again about surrender.  I was in an amazing Bible study with a group of precious sisters. (still speaking about before we knew anything about E being sick)One night somewhere in the middle of the study. . . I had to answer a  homework question. . . which caused unbelievable amounts of tears.  I had to simply write out one of my fears.  My biggest fear was losing one of my children.  Well, the next session after the homework, the facilitator gave everyone opportunity to answer that question aloud.  I volunteered.  Still to this day don't know why I did.  I mean I couldn't even write it without sobbing there was no way I'd be able to say it.  But I did. . . . cheeks throbbing and throat clinched from fighting back tears, I spoke.  . . . Here's the thing. . . I knew God was trying to tell me something and I was beginning to hear Him after I left that night.  See, . . . I had let go of "most" worldly things and given it to God. . . That stuff didn't seem to bother me as much anymore. . . It was His to begin with so I was fine with saying, "God it's yours. . All of it" But the one thing I still had a tight grip on, didn't realize it until this homework question,  was my children.    Satan was feeding me lies that I wouldn't be able to make it without them,  "If I lose one of my children. . . than I'll just die!! I won't be able to go on . . . I'll stay under my bed in the fetal position and NEVER come out,"  were my thoughts. That friends is exactly where Satan wants us. He loves to see us suffer and feel alone. but God was teaching me to say, "If I lose one of my children. . . than God! . . .You will get me through. . . you will never leave me nor forsake me!" Was he telling me that He was going to allow my child to leave this earth early? . . . No I don't think so. I think He knew what I was struggling with and He wanted to release that stronghold that was crippling me and my walk with Him. I know God was transforming my heart  and even though it hurt I knew it was out of indescribable love for me.  God knew what was in my future and was preparing me. . . teaching me to walk by faith.  About two years after this awakening in my heart, E was diagnosed with the life threatening brain tumor. 
For anyone that is new: The diagnosis didn't come over night.  Specialist after specialist couldn't find anything wrong and proceeded telling me she was perfectly fine.  She was stiff and screamed in pain if anything touched her lower back.  There was a point when I started thinking, "well maybe I am just crazy. . . maybe she is fine."  But I truly didn't believe that and I kept feeling the Holy Spirit leading me towards new pieces of this mystery.  I often felt unstable and scared. . . at one point when she lost her ability to converse with her dad and I and we rushed her to the E.R., I remember crying out to God saying, "she's going to die if they don't hurry up and figure out what's wrong:" . . . I was forgetting for a moment who was really in control.  Psalm 34:17-18 reads "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  God was listening to my cry and He had not forgotten his princess.  I had to patiently wait for his perfect timing.  There were no answers that E.R visit but we were a little closer because they did just about every scan they could, but they didn't use contrast during her MRI.  Two months later we were back with all the same symptoms along with vomiting.  The pediatrician was the one who sent us to the E.R and ordered an MRI with contrast stat.  They quickly discovered her ventricles were very large and there were abnormal spots on the back of her brain and down her spine.  The neurosurgeon did surgery to relieve the pressure but that was only a symptom.  They still had to figure out what caused it all.  I continued to cry out in prayer for patience and peace while I waited.  Striving to seek God for direction every step of the way. Several months and many tests later the neurosurgeon said it's time to go back into her brain and biopsy these spots. Again, I was terrified at the thought of another brain surgery. But I hadn't forgotten the miracle that God did in me 2 years before. I refused to let Satan get any satisfaction out of this trial. Afterwards, we were so relieved that the results showed no cancer at this point but concerned with the fact that it was indeed a growing tumor that had to be stopped with toxic drugs . . . chemo. 

God showed me Psalm 56:3 throughout this whole journey. "When I am afraid I will put my trust in you." Reminding me to walk by faith. 
These times have been so tough, but God has given me peace beyond explanation and strength beyond measure.  I have never been angry with God through this trial.  I have however, been enraged with Satan and his attacks on my family.
God allowed this to happen to our family, but . . .  He is all knowing. . . HE is God and I am not.  He continues to pour out his grace and give our family the peace we need to endure the pain. 
She is still undergoing treatment and doing great. 

I have no idea what her future holds, but I know that I know that I know! . . . that God is sovereign  . . . He is love. . .  He has blessed me beyond what I deserve. . . .and this earth is not our home.  I have to tell myself daily to walk by faith. . . it is NOT a natural thing.  It's often not fun, but I am learning so much about Jesus and who He really is. .. . unbelievably Beautiful!

Rescued

Elaina has been doing so well these past few days. 10 months of chemo down and about 8 more months to go. It still sounds so long and sometimes I feel like I've been here forever, but I do sense the end of this battle is coming to an end.

 

 

Elaina has passes on the crown of promise to another bringer of light!  Every Time She would set her crown down this one would pick it up . . .

 

place it proudly on his head. . . 

reminding us to never put down and forget the promises of God. 

Sometimes I can still catch myself in a state of shock. . .

 

Is this really my life?!

Not always in a negative way. . . actually more so in a positive shock. . .

Feeling blessed beyond measure.

witnessing love poured out like never before. . .

faith building stronger and stronger. . .

feeling peace that I'll never be able to understand or explain.

 

Never did I have to beg for the love. . . peace. . . grace. . . strength

He knocked on my heart's door a long time ago. . .

It scared me a little at first.

My head screaming who are you and what do you want with ME!?

 

Oh how glad I am that I answered that knock!!

 

My heart SINGS. . .

 

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me!"

Psalm 13:5

 

and ALL this time He's been walking with me. . . He's for me

He sees me. . .

ALL this time He's NEVER left.

 

I still need gentle reminders to follow after the teaching one,

but the journey has been such a beautiful one!. . . I will gladly follow after . . .

 

 

My heart still longing to know Him more . . .desiring to be more like the one who loves us so much he gave up everything so we could have everlasting life with no more pain and suffering. . .

NO MORE.

Oh I can't wait to be HOME!

 Has this ever been you?

 

getting caught gazing out, allowing lies to creep in. . . thinking things are so much brighter on the other side?

 

Or. . .

 

wearing the shoes that are too big . . . so badly wanting something you aren't quite ready for?

and then before long. . .

 

 

You find yourself in a STICKY mess!

 

It wasn't that long ago I lived here. . . a place I never want to take up residence again. . . I still find myself visiting every now and then.

So thankful God is faithful. . . He is ALWAYS there.

 

"The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." 1 Corinthians 10:13

 

 

reminding me that he is a Promise Keeper! Fixing my eyes back on him.

 

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

"For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. As the Scriptures say, “He traps the wise in the snare of their own cleverness.”  1 Corinthians 3:19

I feel like a spiritual toddler much of the time. . .

 

being caught in a potentially dangerous situation and having to be redirected.

 

"The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?" Proverbs 20:24

 

Thank you God for never giving up. . .

never letting go of your children.

I love surprises

I am a girl that loves sweet surprises. . . the spontaneous . . . .unexpected!
 
While I'm doing my day to day routine and thinking no scheduled "fun" for today.  I get the unexpected.  Days like today don't come very often. . .

During laundry, mediating sibling arguments, tripping over toys, . . .just when I think the day is like most, it changes with the vibration of my phone. . .

a sister surprises. . . fills my heart with fun anticipation. I love when God prompts my friends hearts.  He always knows the needs of his children. God brought this perfect stranger to me years ago to meet needs that I didn't know I had and He did the same today.  Oh how I am grateful!

embracing the tender one. . .

love . . . poured out for my princess. . .  genuine beauty.

such a gift. 

never forgetting the beauty that has been sewn in our friendship story. . . and truly blessed that she was placed in my life. Wow! I miss being in the same city.

honored and joy filled that she was able to stop by on their way home. . . bringing her smalls. . . that I gladly kissed and loved on too.

  Good day! . . . For Elaina as well.  She's been prescribed only one chemo from here on out. . .  hoping this will help her counts stay stable.  She has been all smiles today! . . . I will rejoice and be glad!!

branded

It truly amazes me how my body has been created with all these systems that work together to keep me alive and well.  Like platelets. . . I've never thought twice about these things until E had bruises all over and red spots covering her body.  Chemo is well known for causing havoc. . . I hate it. . . I hate seeing sick, weak children. I hate seeing my daughter bruised up over nothing more than normal brother/sister play. 

These times are rough.  But God has a great plan.  This rainbow princess is a constant reminder of promises from the King. . .
I am blessed!. . . to be able to see beauty . . . experience joy through the suffering.  The reminder of 1 peter 1:7 . . . "These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.". . .  has been branded on her princess head. I won't forget!

Thankful for platelet transfusions!! E had another one yesterday.  We'll see next week if her body is ready for the next round of chemo. 
I was praying on my way to the hospital and felt an overwhelming feeling that I was not going to the hospital just for E this day. . . I had no idea what God was going to do but I continued on . . . grabbed my parking pass and headed up the hill with Jack and E following close behind.  We walked in the elevator and another family stepped in right behind.  They had smiles on their faces . . .  light radiating . . . I just knew this family followed Jesus.  I asked what floor they were going to and the mom hesitated. . . as if she hadn't been there many times before. When she said 2r I was excited that I might get the opportunity to get to know them. 
We had such a great talk. . . exchanging stories, tears, and joy.  Hugging me. . . tears filling her lids . . .  she said, "God took care of me again today. . . He put you in the elevator." . . .I was thinking the same thing about her. . . She blessed me more than she'll ever know.  What an amazing God!! His love is extravagant! . . . I am unworthy. . . yet He is a promise keeper . . . unfailing love! He's teaching me all the time what it means to love. . . I stink at it!  But I am a stubborn one. . . which I am learning can be a good thing.  I WILL allow transformation. . . God's kind. 
God is at work. . . lots of change happening. . . paths leading to the unknown. . .

But I'm expecting great things for our family as we continue along this journey. . . God is always up to something great. . . praying I have seeing eyes. . . .wide open!