surrender

I have been thinking a lot lately about this time a year ago. . . the dreaded phone call that I never thought would come through my phone. . .  E's diagnosis. That was such a hard day.  But, I remember the peace that I felt that day. . . thinking about it gives me chills. 
People have said things to me over the past year that have really encouraged my heart.  People have asked me questioned about my faith and trust in God.  I wanted to share some background . . . Amazing things God did to prepare our way. As much as I love hearing, "You are amazing how you are handling everything. . . etc." I have to say I am NOT amazing . . . or awesome. . . or SO strong. . . but God IS and to God be the glory. . . Over the past years He has transformed my heart and has met my every need.  Several years BEFORE our princess got sick,  I was so desperate to know Jesus. . . I mean truly know him. . . not just know about him but really know Him.  I cried out to him often begging for him to show me more of who he was. . . I was so hungry for Him.  I felt him telling me that the only way I was going to truly know him was if I gave him my all. . . sought him with ALL of my heart.  This was scary because I knew it meant surrendering everything. . . serious changes to my life. . . time, money, material things, friends. . .   Though I knew deep down that God had perfect plans for my life and those plans were to prosper me not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11), it was HARD.   That Bible verse goes on saying. . . "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Costly?. . . MAJOR! Worth it? . . . . YES! I guess that was, in a way, the start of building my faith.  I had to get to know him and the only way I was going to do that was push aside all the worldliness and bury myself in the Word of God and prayer.  Well just when I think I'm doing better . . . God ever-so gently speaks to me again about surrender.  I was in an amazing Bible study with a group of precious sisters. (still speaking about before we knew anything about E being sick)One night somewhere in the middle of the study. . . I had to answer a  homework question. . . which caused unbelievable amounts of tears.  I had to simply write out one of my fears.  My biggest fear was losing one of my children.  Well, the next session after the homework, the facilitator gave everyone opportunity to answer that question aloud.  I volunteered.  Still to this day don't know why I did.  I mean I couldn't even write it without sobbing there was no way I'd be able to say it.  But I did. . . . cheeks throbbing and throat clinched from fighting back tears, I spoke.  . . . Here's the thing. . . I knew God was trying to tell me something and I was beginning to hear Him after I left that night.  See, . . . I had let go of "most" worldly things and given it to God. . . That stuff didn't seem to bother me as much anymore. . . It was His to begin with so I was fine with saying, "God it's yours. . All of it" But the one thing I still had a tight grip on, didn't realize it until this homework question,  was my children.    Satan was feeding me lies that I wouldn't be able to make it without them,  "If I lose one of my children. . . than I'll just die!! I won't be able to go on . . . I'll stay under my bed in the fetal position and NEVER come out,"  were my thoughts. That friends is exactly where Satan wants us. He loves to see us suffer and feel alone. but God was teaching me to say, "If I lose one of my children. . . than God! . . .You will get me through. . . you will never leave me nor forsake me!" Was he telling me that He was going to allow my child to leave this earth early? . . . No I don't think so. I think He knew what I was struggling with and He wanted to release that stronghold that was crippling me and my walk with Him. I know God was transforming my heart  and even though it hurt I knew it was out of indescribable love for me.  God knew what was in my future and was preparing me. . . teaching me to walk by faith.  About two years after this awakening in my heart, E was diagnosed with the life threatening brain tumor. 
For anyone that is new: The diagnosis didn't come over night.  Specialist after specialist couldn't find anything wrong and proceeded telling me she was perfectly fine.  She was stiff and screamed in pain if anything touched her lower back.  There was a point when I started thinking, "well maybe I am just crazy. . . maybe she is fine."  But I truly didn't believe that and I kept feeling the Holy Spirit leading me towards new pieces of this mystery.  I often felt unstable and scared. . . at one point when she lost her ability to converse with her dad and I and we rushed her to the E.R., I remember crying out to God saying, "she's going to die if they don't hurry up and figure out what's wrong:" . . . I was forgetting for a moment who was really in control.  Psalm 34:17-18 reads "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  God was listening to my cry and He had not forgotten his princess.  I had to patiently wait for his perfect timing.  There were no answers that E.R visit but we were a little closer because they did just about every scan they could, but they didn't use contrast during her MRI.  Two months later we were back with all the same symptoms along with vomiting.  The pediatrician was the one who sent us to the E.R and ordered an MRI with contrast stat.  They quickly discovered her ventricles were very large and there were abnormal spots on the back of her brain and down her spine.  The neurosurgeon did surgery to relieve the pressure but that was only a symptom.  They still had to figure out what caused it all.  I continued to cry out in prayer for patience and peace while I waited.  Striving to seek God for direction every step of the way. Several months and many tests later the neurosurgeon said it's time to go back into her brain and biopsy these spots. Again, I was terrified at the thought of another brain surgery. But I hadn't forgotten the miracle that God did in me 2 years before. I refused to let Satan get any satisfaction out of this trial. Afterwards, we were so relieved that the results showed no cancer at this point but concerned with the fact that it was indeed a growing tumor that had to be stopped with toxic drugs . . . chemo. 

God showed me Psalm 56:3 throughout this whole journey. "When I am afraid I will put my trust in you." Reminding me to walk by faith. 
These times have been so tough, but God has given me peace beyond explanation and strength beyond measure.  I have never been angry with God through this trial.  I have however, been enraged with Satan and his attacks on my family.
God allowed this to happen to our family, but . . .  He is all knowing. . . HE is God and I am not.  He continues to pour out his grace and give our family the peace we need to endure the pain. 
She is still undergoing treatment and doing great. 

I have no idea what her future holds, but I know that I know that I know! . . . that God is sovereign  . . . He is love. . .  He has blessed me beyond what I deserve. . . .and this earth is not our home.  I have to tell myself daily to walk by faith. . . it is NOT a natural thing.  It's often not fun, but I am learning so much about Jesus and who He really is. .. . unbelievably Beautiful!